Fifty Shades, a review from Shakespeare

A tedious brief Scene of young Christian,
And his love Anastasia; very tragical mirth.

Merry and tragical? Tedious, and brief? That
is, hot ice, and wondrous strange snow. How shall we
find the concord of this discord?

A film there is, my Lord, some ten words long,
Which is as brief, as I have known a film;
But by ten words, my Lord, it is too long;
Which makes it tedious. For in all the film,
There is not one word apt, one Player fitted.
And tragical my noble Lord it is: for Christian
Therein doth do rope. Which when I saw
rehearsed, I must confess, made mine eyes water:
But more merry tears, the passion of loud laughter
Never shed.