Charlie J Forrest

I’ve talked in the past about how I don’t get fetish wear. I somehow can’t quite grasp the appeal of something that’s designed to both cling to every inch of your flesh and make you sweaty.

As anyone who’s met me will know I’m on the more generous side of the spectrum and the words ‘tight‘ and ‘sweaty‘ are about as far away from how I want to feel when wearing something as it’s possible to get. The only worse adjectives in my book would be either ‘stabby‘ or ‘made of bees‘.

Except something new has cropped up on my radar that  is making me alternately very happy and slightly awkward. Kilts.

I’ll prefix the following discussion with a quick acknowledgement that the whole ‘clan tartan’ business is basically nonsense. It was an imaginative invention of the Victorians who, having got this idea into their heads, supposedly sent requests to the various clan leaders for samples of their tartans so that they could all be recorded in a book somewhere. I imagine a lot fo the conversations with the clan heads went something like this:

“Excuse me sir.”

“Yes, what is it now?”

“We’ve had a request from London sir, they asked us for some tartan.”

“What? oh for pity’s sake, if they want some they can bloody buy it.”

“Uh, no sir, they say they want your tartan.”

“My tartan?” says the clan chief, glancing nervously down at his kilt. “As in, right now?”

“I don’t believe it has to be yours specifically sir, but rather a sample of yours.”

“O…K…– Oi, Geoffrey?”

“Yes my lord?”

“Do we have any tartan kicking around?”

“I’ll need to check sir, but if not I can get some from the market?”

“Oh aye, that’ll be fine. Go get some and give it to this chap, says the Queen wants some.”

“At once my lord.”

“Hey, maybe if I send her some o’ mine she’ll send me a pair of her undercrackers?”

Anyone wanting a more accurate and slightly less racist interpretation might do well to google the “Cockburn Collection”, not least because it has an amusing name. I’ll only add that, however dubious the notion of clan tartans was to begin with, there is nowadays no legal protection for such things and basically everyone is entitled to wear whatever tartan they like.

SO, anyway, apparently kilts can be seen as a form of fetish-wear. This is good for me because I own a kilt (two in fact) and also look bloody good in them (I have even been compared to the tremendous sex symbol Archie from Ballamory).

I live in a pink castle too.

There are many pluses to it. It’s distinctive (particularly the one I wear, which comes from one fo the more eye-watering traditions) it looks good, and is supremely comfortable.

However, there are two things that bother me. First up is a creeping sensation that it doesn’t ‘work’, that somehow wearing it at kink events devalues it. I mean, can I wear the same outfit to a kink club and to my best friend’s wedding?

The other thing that bothers me a little is this feeling that I’m not Scottish enough. Despite being born in Fife and having Scottish heritage, the simple fact of spending most of my formative years in Derbyshire means that my accent is more Mellors than McKenzie. It’s not a big issue on the face of things, and it’s not like anyone’s going to call me out on it.

I mean hey, it’s not made of bees, and is still more culturally appropriate than wearing a kimono right?