Charlie J Forrest

There’s a little list of quirks (ok, dysfunctions) that I like to think fits into the classical mold of being a ‘writer’. One of these is not quite understanding social situations, often leading to agonised hours of hovering over the keyboard, pouring out words in the desperate hope of gleaning insight into how people work.

An offshoot of this is that sometimes I only realise the significance of situations hours, weeks or, in some cases, years later.

I had one of those recently. I was walking down the street and had to stop physically put my hand over my mouth to stop myself from saying out loud, “Wait, I think I nearly had a threesome!”

What makes it embarrassing is that the nearly-threesome happened six years ago.

Yeah, I can be a bit slow sometimes.

Back in the distant past of 2008 I was working abroad and had become friends with a couple. The guy worked in the same office as me and he and his fiance (they’ve since tied the knot and now have a kid) lived in the same town as the hotel I was staying in.

We’d been for a couple of nights out previously and on one of these I may have, rather drunkenly, told him (and her as she was there) how lucky he was to have such a ballsy, intelligent, witty and all-round awesome other half.

Anyway, I headed around to their’s one evening ahead of another anticipated night out and something went slightly differently.

The first clue was when they sat me down in front of the computer and started showing me porn.

I should probably contextualise that a little. This wasn’t out-of-the-blue porn. One of the things that had firmly put her in the ‘awesome girlfriend’ category was that when they had to be apart for a couple of months, she had made a special ‘wank box’ for him equipped with lube, tissues and porn. The intention being that, by using the special box he would:

A) Be reminded of how awesome she was &

B) Not be interested in anyone else.

The porn they were showing me was that very porn. So, you know, not completely out-of-the-blue.

I felt a little awkward. I mean, me saying that is a bit like saying “I was breathing, and awake at the time” but this was particularly awkward and I said as much.”

She tried to reassure me, explaining that she just wanted to show me this porn because it “had beautiful people” in it, rather than most porn. So we watched about five minutes of it before my continued awkwardness won and we went out and got shit-faced instead.

And that’s about it. Maybe it was nothing. I mean, after all they’re European and everyone knows ‘anything goes’ across the channel right? It’s probably completely normal invite someone round, give them some grappa and put a bit of porn on whilst you get ready for a night out… right?

So when it came to the other day I was walking down the street and other things slotted into place. The workplace I’d been sharing with him had something of a macho atmosphere that I took a not inconsiderable amount of joy in subverting. My greatest achievement as cultural ambassador was introducing the words ‘kinky’ and ‘pegging’ to my coworkers vocabulary… As I say, I can be a bit slow sometimes.

It does make me wonder how many other experiences may elude people because of not being able to see the signs. Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘the English’ ‘Masters of Understatement’ ummm yeah, about that…

So if I ever seem to be looking a little lost or not quite behaving right for the situation, don’t take it personally, I’ll probably realise what was going on when I get home… probably.