Other Things Banned by the AVMS Regs (2014)
The following content is not acceptable on all Video on Demand (VoD) services as of 1st December 2014:
- Fists, of any sort, ever. Except in scenes clearly depicting ‘Rocky’ re-enactment role-play scenarios, provided oversized soft gloves are worn at all times.
- “Sploshing”, or any other misuse of foodstuffs (because seriously guys, that’s just a bit icky, and, you know, your grandmother would have a lot to say about it. You know they went through rationing right? So that’s downright disrespectful).
- Smiling (including but not limited to grinning, winking, and verbal laughter).
- Any non-historically accurate use of implements or language (tawsing is acceptable if set in pre 1980s Scottish public school and providing that all written materials uses the traditional spelling “taws”).
- Any sex act involving more than one fat person (look, we’ll let you have one provided you make a weird statement/fetish about it, but two or more just… yeesh! Besides it’s not like you’ll be able to see what’s going on anyway).
- Any depiction of tea-making not in accordance with ISO-3103 (anyone putting the milk in first will be shot on sight!).
- Anything involving kittens (seriously, why would you even need to ask that? What the hell is wrong with you people?).
- Any reference to the works, life, or existence of Danny Dier except where such reference is transient and trifling.
- Trifle.
- Any rope bondage not explicitly set on a tall ship and featuring traditional knots (as a guide the Ashley book of knots is acceptable).
- Any depictions that bear a striking resemblance to the censor’s mum.
- Urethral sound-checking (is this a thing? I don’t think this is a thing… is it?).
- Anything else that
turns me onmight offend or deprave members of the public.
Unsure what i’m talking about? Plethora of very talented and lovely folks have the lowdown:
Miles Jackman (Obscenity Lawyer)
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