Fret-Wanking

Apropos of almost nothing, here’s certain kinds of fuckers (people whomst fuck) as guitar players:

Jimi Hendrix

Little formal education, goes mostly by feel, instinct and raw talent. Occasionally uses teeth and/or sets things on fire. Sadly also has countless less-talented imitators.

Eric Clapton

Diligent student, well versed in theory and ever willing to learn. Adamantly insists they’re not the best. Your dad’s favourite.

Angus Young

Seems cool when you’re a teenager. After a while you realise they never learned anything beyond their first few tricks and after a while it all sounds the same. Likes to wriggle around on their back and moon at crowds of onlookers.

The Edge

Bit of a gadget Dom. Lots of effects and kit but with little technical skill. Impressive but is only ever one blown fuse or flat battery away from disappointing tedium.

David Ford

Can’t really play, can’t really sing, but their way with words brings me to tears.

Slash

Kicked out of “the band” for doing too many drugs. Will blow your socks off but has a strong pick-up-artist vibe. Bonus points if you steal their hat.

Tony Iommi

Doesn’t let a chainsaw accident get in the way even of they have to relearn how to play. Develops a distinctive style and manages to be understated and cool despite doing reality TV on occasion.

Sinead O’Connor

Like David Ford but more popular, more talented and hangs out with that guy that makes everyone question their sexuality. Also trying to watch out for that scene newcomer who’s going a bit off the rails. Your mum’s favourite.

N.B. these archetypes are gender-free, the absence of more non male guitarists is basically because I stopped buying music when I was fifteen, and fifteen year old me needed his horizons expanding!