Fucking my Autocorrect

"Turns out it was my blowjob not yours on my top."
"What the fuck?!?"
"Blood! Blood, not blowjobs. Fucking autocorrect."
"I don't even know how those two things got confused."
"Me neither, see you in traumatising."
"I worry about you sometimes."

Over the past year my phone seems to have developed a rather macabre sense of humour. It’s a bit like the squiggly blue lines in Microsoft Word. Not the vulgar red of a spelling error, or snooty green of grammatical fail. But rather a suggestion that perhaps instead of “industrial cone crusher” you meant to write “industrial bone crusher”.

 

But niggling at the back of my mind is the thought of my phone turning around one day and screaming :

“You! I learned it from watching you.”

So to assess the damage here are the words my phone has learnt from me:

#69dlw

#anyexcuse

#crapreadingmaterial

[the hashtags go on for a while… highlights include]

#extremecommuting

#fuckatkins

#ivegotblistersonmyeyeballs

#omnomnom

#racisttouchtyping

#spankmeandcallmesir

Anyhoo; arses; Ashbless; ass

autocorrect; autoroute; awesomesauce

badass; Barbican; bastards

Batman; Battlestar; BDSM

bedwards; beerward; bestiality

big; bimbling; bimbo

biro; bitch; bitching; bitey

bloodwork; blowjobs; bollocks; boners; boobies

Borris; boulangerie; Briers; bugger

bullshit; bumble; burried; buttock

camo-kink; Capaldi; Cara; carabiners

Chatterley; churros; Cleethorpes; clitoris

cock; COCK; coiling; coital

Cowabunga; crapping; crevasse; Croydon

Cthulhu; Cumberbatch; Cunnilingus

D/s; Dalek; Dammit

Derby; dick; dicking; dying

Dingle; disrobing; Dobbin

fanfic; fantasising; Farrage

fuck; Fuck; fucked; fucker; fucking; Fucking; furries

Hackney; hell; hemp

hibernate; Hiddleston; hitty; Hodor!

hometime; homeward; hookers; hurrah!

Hurrah; huzzah; Huzzah; hymen

jimjam; jingling; JohnLock

Kinbaku; kinkiness; kinking

Lambrini; letterbombs; Lion-o

meerkat; menage; mesmerised; mittens

Moomin; mosh; munches

Nescaffe; niggly; numpties

onesie; overthinking; Owww!

perving; pervy; Philipa; pisses

polyamorous; propositioning; propper; pussy

ransacking; ravishable; republique; rigger

Rigger; ropey; ropiness; rucked

sadists; seductress; settup; shitstacks!

SHUuuuuuuuuuuun

smuggly; smutwriting; snigger; Sontaran

splintery; squirmable; squirmy; squirreled

strangelets; sutra; sweat-box

taking; tensing; thankyou

tiddly; tigger; toppy; tourettes

velociraptor; verruca; viva

Waitrose; wankable; welshcakes

whore; Whore; wonky; woo-hoo