The Kink Closet

I’m by and large a very honest person. In large part this is due to the early realisation that I am utterly utterly shit at keeping secrets and that even half-truths have a tremendous tendency to eat away at me.

So the prospect of being ‘out’ as kinky to my family is a tricky issue for me. I think Dan Savage summed it up nicely when he said that there are some things your parents have a right not to know. Similar thoughts have been echoed by my parents, although it feels like a combination of morbid fascination with the rational realisation that some things can’t be un-heard.

But what if I were gay?

I’ve been mulling this over for a while now and I’m not sure how fair or unfair it is to compare kink with being gay (or bi, or asexual etc). On the face of it there are a lot of similarities, particularly in public perception (i.e. kink being relatively common but underrepresented and widely misunderstood in the general perception of the public and particularly in the media). Indeed there have been commentators who suggest that kink and kink acceptance is at a similar point to gay rights twenty or thirty years ago.

The simple fact of the matter is that if I were gay I would have absolutely no problem about being out to my friends and family, not least because I  know that I have extremely loving open-minded and supportive parents. Not only that, but I understand and appreciate that one of the most effective things one can do to challenge homophobia and prejudiced perceptions is to be ‘out’.

But for now I’m remaining as ‘in’ as my bungling will allow (oops, did I really leave that coil of rope out in the living room…). But does this count as respectfully not troubling the old ones with things they don’t need to know, or instead am I pandering to societal pressure to conform. Do I keep these things separate because of respect or cowardice? Love or fear?