Your kink is fucking awesome!

Turn ons are a deeply personal thing. One of the phrases that crops up endlessly (alongside safe sane and consensual) is “your kink is not my kink, but your kink is ok.”

Partly it’s about being open-minded and not giving someone unnecessary shame/emotional baggage for something that they didn’t choose and can’t really control.

But there’s another aspect to it that doesn’t get talked about so often and that is that, not only is your kink ok, it might well be my kink too, I just haven’t realised it yet.

Usually I think this is because a lot of kinks can be pretty mind-boggling upon first exposure (What do you mean you like a woman to kick you in the balls?!?) and sometimes it takes some reflection to properly unpack the idea and get down to what it is about it that works for someone and (more importantly) could work for you.

Of course this is no guarantee and I’ll cite an example of something I’ve seen time and again, that I understand, but really really doesn’t work for me.

The hand on the throat.

I know that a hand on the throat doesn’t mean people are doing breath play and I can really understand how powerful/intimidating a gesture it can be and how that can act as a massive turn on.

I just don’t like it.

And I could leave it at that, but in this instance I thought it’d be worth unpacking the other way to try to figure out what about it doesn’t sit comfortably with me. And be in no doubt, this is all about my issues, rather than there being anything bad about this act as a turn on. (Also, for simplicity’s sake I’m going to talk about the scenario where it’s a man putting his hand on a woman’s throat.)

I think it’s a little too overtly violent for my tastes. I have a similar issue with punching. Closed fist is bad, whereas slaps and spanks are more playful. It’s clear from the use of the open hand that thought and choice has gone into an action, with a fist, or a hand on the throat, it’s more ambiguous, there isn’t a clear line in my head.

Part of it comes from the societal conditioning that, as a man, you don’t hurt women. It’s drilled in from a very young age. Obviously, when you’re looking at BDSM certain parts of this blanket understanding need to be peeled away, but it’s easier to do that for a slap on the buttocks than it is for, say, a slap on the face. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, just that it gets progressively harder for me to contextualise things into perfectly fun play rather than am I secretly  being a terrible person. As I say it’s my issue not anyone else’s. The only reason I can give for not wanting to do it, is that I equate it in my head with angry uncontrolled violence

But it’s not an absolute blanket ‘no’ either. To quote a very wise person “I never stay in the same place.” Where I am at now is not where I was five years ago and five years hence maybe I’ll have developed enough self-awareness and confidence in myself to be more comfortable with this.

Your kink is not my kink.

Your kink is fucking awesome!

I’m not ready for it yet.