I think “Action” is more traditional, but this was way more fun. I reached for my tie… but wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.
Rewind a couple of hours to the closing workshop of Eroticon Day 1. Pandora Blake, having given a presentation on how to go about making your own porn, happened to mention that she was available if anyone was interested in shooting something that evening. Suddenly a few disparate thoughts coalesced and I sent a text message to the delightfully devious Zak saying, roughly, “I know this sounds a bit weird, but how do you feel about shooting a porn film?”
Logistics (lack of phone credit) meant that I couldn’t get a response immediately. But when I left the workshop and made my way to the coffee area I was met by a certain writer with a gleeful grin that said, “Oh yes; this is happening!”
So, we found ourselves a little while later in a gorgeously appointed sitting room giddy with excitement, nerves, fear?
What unfolded was something really quite special. I felt incredibly comfortable, in a safe space with two women I trust and doing things that are both familiar and fun. At heart it was a fun, connective little play scene, the kind we’ve shared many times, and the presence of a third person, and of a camera, really didn’t take anything away from that, and it added something, a feeling of sharing this thing of ours.
I’ve avoided porn in the past, mostly through the kind of discretion that means I keep face pictures off the internet, never use my real name or details for kink stuff and am weirdly vague with my colleagues about my weekend activities:
“Oh, I went paintballing,” I say, without adding, “naked, in the woods, without a gun.”
I’ve also always filed it under “that’s great, but not for me,” something that I’m glad exists but I could never do. Why? Because I’d find it too impersonal? Because the pressure would be too much and I’d never be able to get hard under such circumstances?
I was wrong. And I’ve never been happier to say those words. Saturday’s shoot made me reassess what porn means to me and it’s intensely, gleefully liberating, for me at least. If nothing else I have a sensation of putting my money where my mouth is. I’m sure there’s no better comeback to the inevitable ‘porn is misogynistic/exploitative’ line of argument than “well none of the stuff I’ve been in has been.” Fuck it, be the change you want to see in the world.
I came out of Saturday with a real feeling of having made something beautiful; something I am immensely proud of. And what’s more, the idea of creating something like that, and then sharing it, sending it out into the world is a lovely feeling, damn near spiritual. Because we can be the other, we can be defiant in honesty and vulnerability.
“In a world that profits from your insecurities and self-loathing, loving yourself is an act of rebellion.”
Oh, and as for face pictures, well, this was the morning after:
As for when the film itself will be available? Well that’s all very up-in-the-air what with the complications, vagaries and bumbling of censorship law in the uk over the last two years. But if you’d like to help Pandora in her fight freedom of expression against censorship her Patreon is here.