Am I Flirting With You?
I’ve got to the point where I quietly assume that most people I interact with regularly in the kink/writing/sex blogging scenes are probably flirting with me.
I think this is a fairly safe assumption for me to make. Not necessarily because I think it’s actually true, but more because I don’t think it actually makes a huge difference to how I interact with people. Actually, scratch that, it is probably a net positive. Low-key assuming people want to fuck me puts my brain into more of an abundance mindset than a scarcity mindset. Consequently I tend to feel less social anxiety and self-inflicted pressure and, well, I think that helps me be a better version of me.
I’ve tried to put my finger on when I started to feel like this. I think it might have been somewhere around 2016 but I’m not sure. Certainly there were things that year that reflect a growing sense of body confidence (including but not limited to my first appearance in porn), but I’d be hard pressed to say whether that’s the chicken, or the egg, or the preceding chicken.
But I’m also starting to twig that perhaps it doesn’t even really matter that much. Maybe people being interested in me isn’t a result of me feeling more at home with myself, maybe I’m just more aware of something that was always in the background but I just ignored.
I went to a party during the holidays, a fun, kinky, party with a mix of people I hadn’t seen in a while and people I’d never met. I wasn’t at my best. I was low on emotional energy and low on self confidence. Despite chatting with people I knew I was feeling that awful sensation that I didn’t belong, or needed somehow to justify why I was there. It wasn’t the best version of me, it was a me that I thought I’d left behind and it was troubling to feel like I’d somehow regressed.
But nobody else seemed to notice. And by the end of the evening, well, let’s just say much fun was had and I went home glowing.
Which is reassuring, the realisation that it’s ok to not be at my best, and my social life won’t suddenly crumble around me.
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